CHAPTER 18

Back to Square Won

   OK, how can the creative energy that generates negativity from insult humor to boring or self-abusive lives be converted into constructive assets like supportive blendships, loving emotions, and jazzing fulfillment (personal and/or professional)?

   How do we convert stress into strength?

   How do we pull positive use out of past abuse?

   Simple. We do it by consciously recognizing the games we let ourselves play. When we identify them, we're better equipped to stop them. And, damn! There are so many lethal games in the Human Olympics.

   Insult humor, unhappiness, abuse, and gossip are toxic communicable dis-eases. The only cure is refusing to be a carrier. By not giving our energy to those dis-eases we lessen their power. We develop an immunity to their infections.

   We free ourselves by consciously choosing to be aware of our decision making processes within every area of daily life.

   Freedom begins by standing outside the games to see how we're participating or rooting them on. By detaching, we can see the areas of life that promote Toxic Games. Games that need not infect our lives. Then we can see we are never trapped. We do have optional arenas to visit.

   Mainly, we see we do have the choice to either voluntarily remain in man-made battles, or refocus our creativity toward thoughts and actions to improve our life.

   Though pulling away from the daily games may have an indirect affect on the other players, how they handle their choices is not ours to control. The best job we can strive for is to be our own guidance counselor.

   How do we recognize negative creativity? Easy. Stop and listen to everyday life; see how people treat one another; how you treat others; how they treat you; how you react to what others serve you; and how you view what you have created in your life.

   I'd like to share how I approached several Game fields, surveyed the battle, and discovered how to withdraw.

GOSSIP

If someone calls with the latest dirt, ask yourself:

Do I dig it?

If so, why?

Does it get the focus off me?

Is it simply a dig to put another down so as feel higher?

Is the gossip gig helping anyone other than my desire to lower another who is not present to offer their side?

Is it a handy Time Killer? A most lethal sport. A killer of our greatest asset: the Time of Our Life.

What's the positive purpose of rumor sowing?

Who benefits?

   Why not refocus that energy? Try to change the subject. Discuss the side-effects of gossip with the caller like karmicly risking both your backs getting stabbed next. The feedback might prove enlightening and stimulating. Though you may discover no gossip spreader believes they are one.

   I found the quickest Gossip-Buster is absentia

   I have also learned:

BOREDOM

If you complain of a boring life, ask yourself:

Who are you trying to make feel guilty, or get pity from, by living a life less than you are capable of?

When did you begin thinking life was here to entertain you?

Are the benefits you get from denial, worth the price of denying YOU the fun your spirit is capable of?

Suggested solutions:

Create a list of activities that jazz your spirit.

Specifically those endeavors you do not need others to energize.

Investigate your current surroundings to find ways in which you can animate those interests, on any level.

HINT:

You must give the BOOT to BUT as in: I always wanted to paint BUT a teacher once told me I couldn't paint a barn with a roller.

   The clue to But-Passing-Denial is: I could... but!

QUESTION:

Why do you want others to carry guilt for your laziness, lack of passion or choice to whine and pine?

   I've noticed whenever we say we have nothing to do, there are mucho possibilities we avoid by using lack of another's participation or permission as an alibi.

   Boredom is a creative manifestation of resistance to activity, mental or physical. In a world were there is a vast smorgasbord of activity, it takes extraordinary energy to starve.

   Boredom is habit forming. And "No, I can't" or "I could, but" are handy turnoffs to the tasty treats life offers.

   To break the habit, force yourself to say: "Yes! I'll give it a try." It becomes a comfy new habit. Sure, every new activity may not be worth pursuing, however, each may open new doors to further explore.

   I crossed over Limitation Levee by realizing:

I CAN'T = I WON'T

   From then on, no matter what others asked regarding what I could creatively do, I'd say:

I CAN'T SAY I CAN'T. SO, I'LL TRY!

   This mind frame freed me to probe all sorts of creative challenges, from illustrating motorcycles to skiing to painting a giant polarized wall mural to giving my first public lecture.

   I tagged this concept: The Cello Theory.

MEANING:

Even if someone asks Can you play a cello? I say: I CAN'T SAY I CAN'T 'cause I haven't tried yet. In fact, give me a cello and I'll see. Hey! I might be terrific.

BOREDOM-BREAKING EXAMPLE:

Let's imagine you always wanted to paint pictures, yet you denied yourself this pleasure by saying: "I can't paint. I have no talent for art. My teachers told me so." If you believe that, why do you believe you have the ability to be your own art critic?

   I suggest going back to Square Won. Tell that inner critic to get lost. Tell your doubt to take a hike. Get supplies, create a private space, play some fun music from a fun time span, slosh a paint brush, have FUN! Toss the rule books and play kiddo. Enjoy the doing. Don't agonize for a perfect result. We're talking art here. And, there is no "perfect."

   Don't limit yourself by assuming you have to be another Rembrandt, or whomever. We're not born to clone. There's only one of each of us. So, discover who YOU are.

   Art has no rules. No criteria. To prove this, check out any gallery to see the vast range of art. Anything goes.

   Your aim is to enjoy, not to seek approval from others. Your goal is to flex those little gray cells. Stimulate curiosity. Break the chain of denying YOU your own abilities.

   You don't have to let anyone near who's not supportive, or who needs you to dump their doubt upon, or who is anxious to ridicule or squelch your right to have fun.

   Ergo! This is why I'm suggesting that you send your Fear's Art Critic on an extended hikaroo.

   Remember: This is about encouraging your constructive creativity. Not about encouraging the destructive creativity of another.

   Possibly you might even copy a sign I once made and pinned over my art area. It simply read:

DON'T DOUBT ― DO!

THOT:

Fear causes Doubt. And if Doubt ruled, nothing new would have been created beyond cave clubs.

WHINING & PINING

   If you feel sorry for yourself, resist the urge to amplify gloom and conjure all the possibilities that might go wrong in life. Stop feeding yourself opiates of: "I can't do anything right. Nothing good ever happens to me. I'm a born loser."

   If you accept your self-written bad reviews, then you'll be hiring them as your live-in prison guards. If you're letting deprecating toxins eat up your heart and spirit, then purge 'em. Change diets.

   In case of a Depression Emergency: call someone to find out how they're doing. Don’t Bitch and Whine. Cheer them up.

   Outreach is a fantastic way of forcing us to lessen our own melancholy by allowing us to discover solutions for our own grievances through helping others.

BITCHING (Akin to self-created boredom)

When someone says "Good morning," do you answer with: "What's good about it?"

Do you glean delight when others trip into adversity?

Does your bitter level raise when others succeed, or are in love, or are joyous?

Do you have a ready excuse for every fun suggestion and opportunity life offers you?

Is every glass half empty, even when it's full?

Do you take a silent pride in being able to point out what's wrong with every party, person, TV show, marriage, dinner, dream, idea, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera?

Has playing Devil's Advocate become a full-time career?

Have you become a roving reporter to anyone who will listen, recounting every detail that bugs you regarding your mate, marriage, career or whatever, while also complaining that you can't solve your grievances?

Do you justify "sacrificing" (avoiding self-needs) by saying you're just giving others more time to get their act together?

Do you think everything would be perfect if only others would stop refusing to do, see and live your way?

If so, welcome to the Land of Bitchdom!

   If these are traits within people you know, beware of the flying nonsense and tripping over their wet blankets. And if bitches visit you, a sure way to exile them, as with any insulter or whiner, is to not feed them.

    Look. Learn & Let Go.

   If they bitch about your refusal to be their audience, see it as a primo illustration that we don't have to be liked by everyone. It's emotionally expensive and ain't worth the trouble.

   If anyone repeatedly calls me to whine about their mate, kids, career, health, or whatever, I reply:

   "Well, I've heard all I need to hear. I've given you all the feedback I can. Sounds like you've got it under control. Sounds like you know what's bugging you and you seem to know what you need to do to solve it... so, call me back when you've gotten the divorce, or changed jobs, or lost those 20 pounds (or whatever it was they offered as a Whine Seller without wanting to explore solutions)."

   I rarely get callbacks. Though I usually hear another ear was chosen as the new moan-time audience, which is OK by me. Now it's up to someone else to listen… or not.

   I've also been a favored target of direct bitching. My only response is refusing to get caught up in either a false need to justify their ammo or compete in a Bitch-In. I don't play defense. And, by not playing the game, the tormentor gets bored eventually and looks for a new adversary. The game aborts due to lack of their hoped for gripevine response.

INSULTS TAKEN, UNWILLING

   If you're a target for insult jokes, don't feed the vulture.

   Insulters hunger for reaction, audience and attention. By not giving in as a target or bystander they deflate.

   Sure, it may only be for a moment, keeping these Yokers out of your lair takes time. They tend to justify your lack of enthusiasm for their attacks by thinking you don't know how to have real fun. But, they do eventually get bored and go.

   There was a guy I once knew that could have dethroned Rickles as an Insult Ragster. He would butcher any person, place or thing with the agility of a lunging cobra.

   Walking away when he was in the midst of scrapping his sharpest barb across my feelings was the only way to cancel his act. He once became quiet when I calmly interrupted him with: "Boy, you sure must have had a lousy day to be so angry. What's bugging you? Wanna talk?"

   By passing the Game to touching the heart, I learned to turn the target practice around, though not if there's a nearby audience.

   There was another fellow who laughed the loudest at his own putdowns, who once opened up to say "That's how my dad treated me. Always shooting zingers at me. Dad's way of saying I notice you, kid."

   When I asked if he liked it, he said he learned to live with it. At least it was something. Though his openness was short lived, he no longer used me as a bull sigh.

   As to recognizing yourself as a captured audience of an insulter, ask if you're laughing out of embarrassment or relief at not being the target. If so, Beware! It's a false safety that just delays your target-time. As to career insulters I don't serve them politeness. It's a waste. If you can't talk, then walk.

MATES OF DEGRADING INSULTERS

   Think you can't walk? Then ask:

Why?

Do you believe you deserve the putdowns?

Does it clone how you were treated as a kid?

Is it fattening a weighty gag on your self-worth?

Has it become a predictable way to survive?

Is the trade-off worth the price?

Whatever the answer, if it hurts it's not helping you or the kids exposed to it. It's not the way marriage has to be. It's the way you are choosing it to be.

KID CUTTING

If you repeatedly tell your kids they're stupid or worthless or whatever non-positive phrase barfs out, ask:

Why? Is this what I was told as a kid? If so, how did it make me feel?

Am I making my kids pay for the pain I felt because I never confronted the ones I needed to face?

Am I making my kids into my proxies? Do they deserve this?

And if they are acting under their potential. Why?

Am I avoiding the need to help them confront their lack of esteem or disregard for their life because I won't confront my lack?

Have they picked up my anger? My fears?

Do I enforce negativity in their character by manipulating my power role of parent?

Am I using the lure of love to get them to accept my abuse?

Is my ridicule helping them improve their character?

Is it love? Or revenge?

Am I speaking down to them? Or with them? If down, is it because I was never spoken with as a kid?

Is the seen-and-not-heard legacy worth passing onto them?

Is the tension that disharmony creates, intensifying or soothing my stress meter?

Are my verbal putdowns birthed from my anger at having become a parent? Or, my fear of this responsible setup? Is it my fear of seeming socially bad if I admit I do not want this role… and I’m lost!

Am I filling my child with Fear to subconsciously duplicate the Fear I am filled with?

Am I giving the kids something legitimate to aspire to? Or feeding them the idea they can't accomplish anything worthwhile, can never please me and are not worth being loved? If so, nobody's winning.

CHILD ABUSE… ADULT SURVIVORS

How much of my time and energy is spent reinforcing the negativity I experienced as a kid? Thus, stalling self-confrontation?

How much of ME is exhausted by still striving to please unpleasable people, be they parents, bosses, spouses or whomever?

HOW MUCH CREATIVITY ARE YOU KILLING IN THE EFFORT TO:

Keep all your hurts inside?

Smother your desire to tell your abusers off?

Tell them you do not like the way they treat you?

Tell them you feel it was wrong? That you matter?

How much of YOU are you exhausting in the futile hope of getting from another that which they can't give?

Goodies like love, approval, appreciation and permission to be free?

How much energy are you burning by struggling to make yourself to blame for whatever abuse you endured as a kid?

How much of your life are you stunting by battling to be what you believe another wants you to be in order to receive what you have always craved - love?

How long will you play the game?

How long will you live through a pose-colored glasses so as to avoid discovering who you are?

How long will you deny that the True You has a very real potential of being loved, worthy and successful?

How long will you let others control of your happiness? Let others be a current barnacle?

How long will you avoid reprogramming your creative abilities toward constructing new attitudes?

How long will you struggle against being happy by blaming mixed-up others for your adult choices?

How long will you direct your energies away from becoming your own best friend and loyal cheerleader?

How long are you willing to live beneath your potential in order to live up to the restriction calls of others?

How long will you kid yourself into thinking anyone who puts you down, who sneers at your success, belittles your talents, does not support your dreams, deserves to be called a friend? Or will be able to give you the love you crave? Heck! How can they give it to you when they're not giving it to themselves?

BOTTOM LINE:

As long as we choose to receive boredom, abuse or humiliate, players shall always sign up to sock it to us.

THOT:

Copyright © 2004 by Krystiahn