CHAPTER 19

Enough is Enough
Or, Is It?

   "ENOUGH!" is a complex and relative measurement. It's relative to who's doing the measuring. And defining exactly what is enough can effect massive screw-ups when it comes to love, appreciation, giving and fulfillment. As in:

   When have I struggled enough to make an unwilling other love me? Or see things my way for a change?

   Or for a woman: when have I struggled enough to "reform" my husband into my illusion of who he ought to be according to my dreamy illusion? Who I think he has the potential to be?

   Or for a man: when have I struggled enough to make my wife live the illusion I had when we married of being slim, sexy and supportive babe of my lifestyle and opinions?

   Or personally: when have I struggled enough until I choose to terminate my state-of-the-hurt project and search for more compatible objectives?

   Or when have I contributed enough to a job or a relationship to where my self-caused feelings of being used force me to yell "enough!"?

   Or when have I martyred my happiness enough to wake up to the fact that there is no giving great enough that will make another repay my efforts with what my heart desires?

   Or when have I loved, suffered, sacrificed, been self-abused enough to figure the frame of the Life Game is:

   As with a dog, given the right taste treat, we're all prone to eat ourselves sick, consciously or subconsciously. And there is a connection between Enough-ing and Glutting.

   Some glut for wisdom. Others glut to be worshipped. Some glut to be or have fanatical slaves.

   Others glut to be free of commitment. Some glut for sweet icing. Others glut for sacrificing. Some glut to give. Others glut to take. Some glut to use. Others glut to be used (and bitch about it). Some glut for balance, yet go to extremes to attain it.

   Everyone has a Glutting Hunger.

   I've noticed the secret of many controllers is their ability to uncover what others glut for. Then, like a drug dealer, they serve it in portions that never quite fulfill the appetite. Never Enough. Thus assuring loyalty from the addicted.

   I tickle this thought because there's a great key to be had by discovering what we glut for. Then to see if on some inner level we're enjoying the meal we ordered.

   If we are, life is "perfect" as we'll never have enough to bitch about, except if bitching is what we glut for.

   If not, or if our appetites are bored and require new treats, then perhaps it's time we alter our Glut Pattern to a more emotionally digestible meal, from a die-it to a live-it.

   Having considered the idea that we always get what we ask for on some level, this may be why I hold no animosity toward any difficult relationship in my past. I dined on it because, on some level, I ordered the spread.

   And, some part of my psyche was fed by the deal as were they... until I was fed up.

   My mother glutted on many private state-of-the-hurt projects that required familial indifference to energize, so I was given what I glutted for: the freedom to explore my creativity without supervision.

   On the Material & Spiritual Responsibility Level: I didn't need her whining, as she did not want to be needed.

   On the Compassion Level: I wanted to give and take care of her, to wake her up to her loving potential, as she wanted constant attention to reject and degrade.

   Unwittingly, I provided her with the ideal springboard for enlarging her Complaint Department to fight my Lost and Found Happiness Department; for creating bigger problems to challenge my kidhood solver.

   Wow! What a potential for The Infinite Survival Game. And, we might have stayed matched had I not felt: ENOUGH! Enough of this seminar. I need to move to the next classroom. The next Board Game. I've taken and Given all I can Take & Give. Without anger, it's time to move on.

   Thanks to my need to Inquire Within, I knew:

   Whatever I would be was my responsibility, a great message from the unsuspecting source, which illustrates:

   The finest growth is often available from situations that seem to cause us the greatest frustration, and from relationships that appear to be the most thwarting.

   Trick is to investigate beyond the obvious; to explore without pity or the need to make someone right or wrong. With neither a negative nor positive Tunnel Vision, as they both limit us from seeing the whole Puzzle Picture.

   The goal is to comprehend how everything fits together to fabricate the whole picture of our ultimate creation.

   Every capsize can be navigated to an ultimate See of Tranquility.

   Each time we feel overburdened or over-repressed, consider the notion that Life is merely presenting us with an opportunity to awaken our positive power and talent to rewrite our priorities. Our lifal scripts.

   SUPER TRICK IS: Once we figure out why our life is as it is, what we're glutting on, what we're serving others in our life and why, then we're free to ask ourselves:

Is it pleasin' our needin' to love and be loved?

Are we full? Have we glutted enough?

Have we served enough already?

Are we ready for the next course?

   The odd side dish of my kidhood and early adulthood was that while being in thankless situations, I was never discouraged from performing services I dispensed. Ergo! I repeated that pattern throughout my marriages.

   Always being left in a void with no idea as to how well I did anything because no Controller will ever give an unconditional compliment.

   As in: "Thanks, honey, but..." and that's on a rare good day.

   Though it took years of Trial & Terror, I finally learned to fill my void with the importance of self pleasin' and be pleased with those who were pleased with that and could joyfully understand.

   I sensed if I continued to relinquish my worth and the time of my life to others, so I could make them happy and successful enough to love and appreciate me, how long would it take me to crash... and forget who I was?

   I had to accept the truth: I would never be able to do enough, give enough and be enough according to controllers who needed me to stay in a constant state of weakness and inadequacy and guilt. Yet, again:

    WHAT THE HECK IS ENOUGH?

   Those thoughts echoed through the back burners of my heart for years in search of the answer I always held within: Enough Was Enough when I said so.

   When my gut felt Enough Was Enough.

   When I felt I had given all I was able to give.

   NOT when another cried: "ENOUGH!"

   Now, if ever I sink into a situation wherein I feel used, I stop the wheels to ask myself: Why have I put myself here? Who's ordering me to Sit & Stay. The answer's always the same: "You are! So, what are you going to do about it?"

   I sometimes think our subconscience sets us up to get and feel used just so we'll develop our instinct for when to say Enough! Which full-circles back to:

    One Life to a Customer ― per Journey.

   If the games we play, if the energies we glut on, if the cafes we haunt no longer provide us with satisfying meals, then we have the right and power not only to change menus but venues, regardless of who shares our table.

   Growth is a singular challenge. As in regular school, there is a tinge of sorrow mixed with joyous celebration when we graduate and, predictability, leave others behind.

   Clarity and guilt-free serenity are only attainable by realizing that the abusive bitches, buzzards, and bozzos we may leave behind are simply going to continue glutting on their selections, and dining on the menu they glut for. So why can't we?

   Take heart. They'll quickly replace us with new Game Players. Besides, those we leave behind will get a lot of mileage from calling us a bitch, buzzard or bozzo.

   Divorce courts validate that thought.

   On reflection, I realized that we scream "ENOUGH!" when we're either maxed out on being used and abused so as to be loved from someone who'll never love us As-Is.

   Or when we've done everything to change who we are (outside of altering our DNA) so as to be loved and appreciated by a controlling spouse or family… which has and will never happened.

   Or when we momentarily surrender our desire to dominate and finally put the paddle down in the human ping pong game, realizing we cannot alter another according to our illusion, no matter how right we may assume we are.

   Ergo! My new Glut Goal is creating a life where I never have to scream nor whisper "Enough already!"

Copyright © 2004 by Krystiahn